Skin Deep

Yesterday, Chris and I decided to forego the movie theater and went to Voorhees Town Center instead. Instead of going to Elena Wu as we originally planned, we went to Catelli Duo, the newest wine bar in the area.  I had a plain sleeveless black dress on, had no make up or accessories, and had my hair up in a bun. The only splash of color I had was my pink shoulder bag.

The place was pretty flashy and had a bunch of ex-yuppie Gen-Xers in khaki shorts and glamorously accessorized millennials my age and younger. Chris was dressed exactly like the Gen-Xers so he looked fine but I stuck out like a sore thumb. I only paid attention to Chris, the food, drinks and the bartender so I didn’t really focus on the other patrons. Chris is much more observant and told me that:

  1. People looked because I was the only Asian in the place. Not surprising since Voorhees and its surrounding towns are predominantly white.
  2. The girl behind me looked me over from head to toe and turned dismissively. I said I noticed that one but didn’t mind. I explained that pretty girls hate other pretty girls.

Humble moment. 😀

It did make me think. Have I been more relaxed about how I dress and look since my marriage? I think I used to be more OC about my appearance.

Some women at work told me that I no longer need to worry about my looks since I’m already married. I objected and said that married women have to make more effort — we’ll be the last person our husbands will ever sleep with so we shouldn’t let ourselves go. The same applies to men. I see so many men who gain 100 pounds and get massive Dad-bods after marriage and kids. I told Chris that I liked him thin. I also asked him to let me know if he thinks that I need to lose weight. He has not said anything so far and he continues to tell me how beautiful I am everyday. Personally, I think he’s biased but I do appreciate it.

Love, respect and devotion are essential in a marriage. But are looks just as important?

The offended party should never apologize.

Another  wise peice of advice from our favorite Auntie Janey:

Auntie Janey’s Old Fashioned Agony Column #35:
The Husband of Your Close Friend

When I first read this, I thought about how stupid the letter-writer is. It’s okay when people are friends whether they’re male or female, married or unmarried. If the circle of friends is tight enough and both parties socialize with each other, then it is unavoidable for one wife to see and talk to the other’s husband without the presence of their respective spouses.

What’s unacceptable is when the other starts flirting. You’re married so stop it. And this is your wife’s/husband’s friend for f***’s sake so don’t even think about it. Online chatting can be very personal because it is secretive — no one else can see or hear your conversation. This is vastly different to meeting in a supermarket and talking about your work, children, blah blah, etc. It’s easy for a single person to dismiss online flirtations but you start thinking more carefully when you’re in a committed relationship especially when you are married.

In short, I think the letter writer is quite stupid for letting things come to this point and that she has no spine if she can’t even put her friend’s flirtatious husband down and control the conversation.

By the way, I love this part:

…when she accuses you, you should vehemently deny it. Chances are, she will not believe you. You will have to be firm in your denial and you must assume an unapologetic stance. Be genuinely indignant if you can manage it. You must tell yourself that you are the victim here and dammit, you will not cower before this woman who has wrongfully accused you. This will be the point at which your ties with her will be severed. It is not your responsibility to protect your friend’s marriage. You have a reputation, a life, and a marriage of your own.

Do not grovel and declare that you still want to be friends. The offended party should never apologize. This is the moment in your life that you have to be extremely selfish. Your reputation is at stake. You need to make a preemptive strike. Gossip can assume the color of truth if told repeatedly over time.

No Pressure!

I don’t understand why so many of my fellow single, 20 (or 30)-something women want to get married ASAP. They say they feel pressure from their family/friends/coworkers because they’re not married yet. You know what, you should stop thinking about what people think you should do with your life and start enjoying it!

No, really, I don’t get the pressure. I love being a single woman because it’s fun! You get to do all these fab things:

  • Your income is yours. Sure, you may contribute to the family, give a few thousand bucks to Mom and Dad each month. But, still, it’s largely yours. This way, you get to buy what you want when you want it (e.g. clothes, shoes, bags, books, electronics). When you get married and have a family, your income will no longer be fully yours because you have to think of the kids. And you can’t get that 2nd generation iPad because there are household bills to pay.
  • It’s not just money. Your time also belongs to you. Isn’t it liberating to know that you can do what you want/need when you want to? Who cares if it’s a weeknight? You can go to your coworker’s cousin’s party and get smooshed because you don’t have to help an 8-year-old with his assignments.
  • When you’re really tired after work, you can spend a nice, quiet weekend by yourself. You can opt not to take a shower without worrying if someone will notice. Maybe cook and eat something sinful, read the book you’ve always wanted to read, ponder on the existence of Man and why Mrs. Robinson insists on stuffing a size 16 ass into size 12 slacks, and watch Clueless for the first time in ages because you missed it. When you’re married, even if you do get some alone-time, you’ll never be fully alone.
  • You get to go out and spend a night out (or in) with friends without having to report to someone or follow adult-curfew. And you don’t have to go home to your husband and children if you don’t want to! Sleepovers aren’t only for little girls.
  • Related to the previous point, you can work overtime anytime your work needs you to without disappointing a husband or explaining that you really are working and not having a secret affair with someone.
  • If you can’t cook or clean or do domestic miracles, nobody thinks you’re a “bad wife”. Pulling the “busy” or “single” cards always work.
  • When you gain weight, it’s not because you got pregnant. It’s probably because you did the rounds of the best restaurants in the city (or abroad) and your body just reflects the pleasure you got from food-tripping. You can easily lose that weight and because you can spend your evenings in the gym instead of bottle-feeding a baby.

All of the above sounds like I don’t want to get married. I do. 🙂 But I’m doing it with the full knowledge that I’m getting hitched for the right reasons and not because I think I’m getting up there in age and this guy might be my last chance, or my friends are getting married and I feel so out of place, or my little sister already has 3 kids and my parents are very disappointed in my lack of ability to catch a guy, etc. It just happened to be the right time for me.

I’ve heard the term single-blessesness from women who seem resigned to the fact that they will never get married or have children of their own. They say perhaps it’s what God planned for them. There’s some bitterness attached to the tone whenever someone says it, as if it’s not what they really want but they use it to avoid that odious term: old maid. You know what, no one is an old maid. I’ve known people who are 60 and physically unattractive but still find happiness with a partner late in life. Sometimes, it’s just not your time.

And single-blessedness shouldn’t be used as a disappointing term. All singles are blessed because you enjoy a certain freedom that married people don’t have. And that time could be limited.

Single girls, enjoy what you have! You may not have it for long. 😉

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