If you Google “assassinations ‘r us”, my site comes up as #1.

I feel inclined to apologize to all the wannabe assassins, terrorists, and angsty emo-punks who tried to search for tips on their chosen, er, hobby and instead found themselves reading this blog with rants about dating, work, food, and all-around girlishness.

So to live up to the name of this blog, and just in case you feel like submitting your curriculum vitae to Al Qaeda within the next two years, I feel like a little effort from me is required.

Assassinations ‘R Us
(or how to be a you-know-what)

  1. Buy a gun. If you’re underage or have no hope of getting a licensed one, go to Toys ‘R Us and choose something big and mean and hope that no one would notice the water spout.
  2. Style is important. Get a trench coat, preferably black leather. Think Neo from The Matrix. Then go shopping at Oakley and get fitted for very dark sunglasses. Boots would be a nice touch but aren’t required.
  3. Buy a copy of People and choose someone who looks rich and important. Don’t pick someone who’s too nice or else you’d never find anyone who wants him/her vaporized.
  4. Find that certain someone who wants him/her vaporized. Your client should also be rich because assassins have to dress well and clothes don’t come cheap these days (especially when it’s Comme des Garcons).
  5. Buy a ticket to Geneva and open a Swiss bank account.
  6. Point your weapon at your victim and shoot. If you don’t have ammunition because you just spent all your money on those Blahnik boots, get rid of the gun and borrow Uma Thurman’s samurai sword. Ignore all those noir movies where the killer holds the knife over the victim’s head. The fastest way to a man’s heart is truly through his stomach. 🙂
  7. Make sure you get paid. If you’re one of those nasty emo-punks with a screwed up sense of self-worth and an unconscious craving to be coddled and attended to all the time, record an angsty video of yourself raging against the world mixed with scenes from the movie Schindler’s List and mail the DVD to CNN. Don’t be stupid enough to kill yourself because you’ll never earn money that way. Besides, you’ll just stain your Prada dress.
  8. Repeat directions #3 to 7 except for #5.

Hmm… I love my strawberry lip gloss.


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