I’m starting to work out regularly again. I never used to go to the gym; I just jogged or took pilates classes. But this time, I figured that I may as well use up my down time for, er, firming up. I just turned 24 and my magic-elastic phase won’t last long considering I eat like a pro-basketball player for a self-confessed expert loafer.
And just because he might freak out if he reads this, I’m calling this guy “boy” just so I could post our highly informative conversation.
boy: do i really come across that stern?
me: not stern. the word is apathetic.
me: lol. yeah or “robotic”. that’s what the medicine girls say. 🙂 they have this urge to check your back for the controls.
boy: gee you’re full of compliments today.
boy: i tend to daydream when i’m walking along on my own
me: well, you could try walking down the corridor with a swing. sway your hips a little. cross your footsteps. LOL. i could teach you.
boy: LOL. toss my hair.
me: yes. flick your imaginary hair from your shoulders every five mins.
boy: put my shoulders back to make my boobs look bigger when a cute guy passes.
me: wear a wonderbra. oh wait!
me: wonderbras are passe. wear a waterbra. they feel soft, and bounce naturally.
just don’t let anyone with a pin near you or you’ll be sprinkling the corridor.
boy: this is one weird conversation
me: i have that sickness. to turn any normal convos into weird ones.
me: earlier, one of my guy friends was telling me a joke about guys who become overweight. about, er… (you probably know this) the assumed loss of assets. and instead of laughing, i asked him if it was statistically proven. like is there an average number of inches lost in a span of a five-ten year weight gain?
boy: ok you’re gonna have to spell it out for me – i’m too innocent… loss of assets?
boy: oh. er serious?
me: i don’t believe in bashing fat guys
me: or in encouraging any unproven assumptions. i could be their lawyer. we could file class action suits.
boy: ok stop now, or i’ll start to blush at the weirdness. so.. let’s talk about something more interesting. liiike… me.
boy: for example. what is it about my pic on facebook that makes them think that i’m not a miserable old robot? maybe i am.
me: your clothes. the colors match.
boy: yah dull dreary
me: it tells everyone that you’re not some geeky fart who dreams robotic dreams in the hallway. you actually read THE SARTORIALIST.
boy: ‘some geeky fart? i am insulted. lol. but fat lot of good it does for my dress sense
me: don’t say dull or dreary. say “understated” or “subtle”. i mean… other men may say khaki but you can say ecru, desert, or sand-toned.