Grievance List at 2 am

1. Laundry. I especially hate hanging damp clothes. I need a washer-dryer aka Super-Inday. Except for the times when Jiko’s here and I could bribe him to do it for me. Plus, there are never enough hangers no matter how many times you buy packages of them from Ikea.

2. Irritating plebes who can’t spell $h1t at Friendster or MySpace and keep on sending “omg i lyk u cal me 0501234567 if u want to have a seryus relashunship. add me plzzz!!!” messages combined with jolog headshots reminiscent of Mikey’s collection. Beware, they went forth and multiplied, fervently believing in their coolness. I like Facebook because it controls plebe-domination.

3. Work. There, I said it. Bureaucracy kills.

4. The Weighing Scale. How can such a cheap, small, flat thing control the lives of millions of females and cause bouts of eating disorders? This is all your fault, Kate Moss, you underfed 90’s waif! The sad fact is, we’re all obsessed with the scale. Personally, I gave up on it. I’m going French by just eating three forkfuls of everything, taking the stairs, and be guided by the fit of my clothes.

5. Dial-up. Woe is for the surfer who watches a website that never loads.

6. Prince Charming. He’s perfectly wondermous, a boy-next-door and Energizer bunny rolled into one. That is if you don’t mind sharing him with Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Cinderella.

7. McDonalds. I love burgers. They’re addictive, seriously. All those obese people should win their lawsuits, even if they weren’t forced to eat BigMacs 3-4x a day, for having their will to diet broken by tempting ads and fumes from fastfood vents.

New get rich quick stunt: eat enough double cheeseburgers/fries/milkshakes, gain 400 pounds, sue McDonalds; maybe even pour hot coffee on my lap while I’m there for a bigger injury prize. As soon as millions are received, get a gastric bypass operation and lose all those fats. Then post Before and After photos on blog.


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