The Ancient Crushes of Doom

As a homage to Paul Simms’ Four Short Crushes, which made me *SNORT* loudly at work, let me present my own four ancient crushes.

Crush #1: Brian

I can use his real name because I never did learn what his last name was. I was three and he was four, I think. We were in daycare together. He was either a Caucasian foreigner or a light-skinned mestizo.

We were in the Christmas pageant together; he played Joseph and I was accidentally chosen as Mary because I was the only girl who perfected the groaning-under-the-baby-weight pose. I would go to school just for the practices and I announced the newfound object of my affection to my whole extended family and the rest of the neighborhood.

After the pageant, which was the highlight of my year, I suddenly lost interest. I shifted my priorities back to Jollibee spaghetti and Barbie dolls.

(Duration of crush: Two months)

Crush #2: Karamazov

Karamazov was the biggest crush mistake in my life. I used to live in a coed dorm and this could’ve been a promising setting for a lot of oh la la scenarios but we happened to be a bunch of teenage prudes and we all ended up being just friends. So that’s that.

Anyway, we went through a mind-numbing scandal and, for a month or so, obstinately stuck together. Around ten of us ate together, went out together, slept together, walked to school together and just basically spent every waking decent minute around each other.

Two girls developed a liking to Karamazov. One was vocal about it, and the other quiet one was me. We spent years wasting our time on him. I even took Chinese 101 just so I’d have an excuse to spend extra time with him (Oh, Karamazov, would you please help me with this assignment?). He knew everything, of course, and probably reveled in the silent contest over him.

So, after more than a year of pining, did the best girl win? No.

Karamazov hooked up with a vertically-challenged Japayuki in a bar and made her live with us in the dorm, saying that she was his cousin. After several nights of trying to ignore her night time room-hopping, the dorm owner finally caught them necking and she was kicked out. Goodbye, Japayuki.

We therefore ignored Karamazov’s existence until I moved to a newer, more fab apartment.

(Duration of crush: One and a half years)

Crush #3: Deo

Deo still mystifies me until now. He was a genuine Starbucks discovery, seen by Trish and me during one of our endless nights of hanging out with our books while we pretended to study.

I was giving Tricia a long and detailed description of how I planned to save the world by starting an expedition to Basilan, a well-known Abu Sayyaf territory. There were other random college kids sharing the long study table with us and I assumed that they were minding their own business. But Deo seemed to have been taken with my “erase all terrorists” speech and spent the next three hours staring at me with a lovesick expression.

I went home and eagerly asked my dorm mate, Peach, if she knew this mysterious psychology student with the cute smile who seemed too endearingly shy to talk to me. I was envisioning wonderful walks by the park, emotional bonding in political rallies, and a wedding in the Church of the Gesu when Peach suddenly said, “He’s gay.”

I was crushed.

Excuse the pun.

(Duration of crush: Three hours and thirty minutes)

Crush #4: Palindrome

Now this one was exotic. He differed so much from my usual “type”. Even my closest friends back home wanted to throttle me and scream WHY!? when they saw his picture. I just meekly answered that he looked really cute in person.

Palindrome was the antithesis of me. We were also nine years apart. I was so sure back then that, as opposites, we were surely perfect for each other and for a few seconds I even considered abandoning my city-girl dreams if it would mean settling for a happily ever after with Palindrome in his provincial farm with all the cows mooing around us.

I was so happy when he asked for my number. I waited. And waited. And waited even more. This lasted for six months, give or take a few weeks.

Apparently, he was obsessed with discernment and what direction his life should take and this made him unable to take the simple step of calling me.

So I stopped waiting and got a different boyfriend.

(Duration of crush: Eleven months)

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