The Witching Hour

I like my psychotic side. I don’t go out of my way to hide or show it. If it peeks out from beneath my usual politeness, then that’s good. No one’s pretending to be an angel here, anyway.

And perpetual niceness is sooooo boring!

Now let’s get to the main event of this post: DIETING. We’re all tired of reading and hearing about different dieting styles: Atkins, South Beach, etc. But when “God” gives some advice, it might not hurt to actually listen. 😀

Excerpt from God’s Diet Rules Series (post #1):

Dear God,
What’s the quickest way to lose weight?
– Bernie

Bernie,
Have someone chop off one of your legs.
– God

From post #2:

Dear God,
What’s the quickest way to lose weight without cutting off any part of my body?
– Bernie

Bernie,
Stop eating and drinking.
– God

From post #3:

Dear God,

I’m getting frustrated with your weight loss advice. Well, I can’t stop eating and drinking. The temptation of my hunger and thirst is just too much for me to bear.

– Bernie

Bernie,

Now that you’re asking the right question, I’m ready to share with you my No Cutting, No Starving Weight Loss Plan.

Step 1. Drink a lot of water.
Step 2. Drink more water.
Step 3. Drink even more water.
Step 4. Do not urinate for four hours.
Step 5. Weigh yourself.
Step 6. Urinate everything you’ve got all in one go.
Step 7. Weigh yourself again.

– God

From post #4:

Dear God,

Your latest solution for weight loss, while creative, seems to miss the point. How can I lose weight from my body, so that my body, and not just the total water my body is retaining, weighs less?

– Bernie

Bernie,

Have you thought of living on another planet? If you choose a smaller planet, like Mars, you’ll have less of a gravitational field to contend with. If you go to live on Mars, you’ll lose 20 to 30 pounds as soon as you get there.

– God

From post #5:

Dear God,

Maybe I haven’t been clear enough with my questions. Could you please give me some advice about losing fat, so that my body gets lean and in shape?

– Bernie

Bernie,

Improve your diet and exercise. You didn’t really need me to tell you that, did you?

Here’s some more specific advice. For your diet, do not eat any that is red or begins with the letter P. Also, don’t eat any meat unless you catch the animal yourself.

– God

Practical advice, in my not so humble opinion. Source: Advice from God.

I that blog! I’d propose to marry the writer, but that would be committing blasphemy. Plus, God could be a woman for all I know, and I’ve publicly declared my orientation. (Straight, but you never know, haha!)

Yes, it’s 3:30 AM. I don’t sleep regularly anymore. I probably should stop taking long naps. I already took pseudoephedrine for my colds and to help me sleep again but it’s not working. Strange, because when I’m at work, I don’t need any material inspiration to induce sleep. There, I crave sleep!

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “The Witching Hour

  1. Hahaha. That’s so funny.

    I also can’t sleep early anymore. Lately, I find myself awake at 2:00 or even 3:00 am staring at my laptop or just tossing and turning in bed. And when I go to work, all I wanna do is sleep, sleep, sleep. Sigh.

  2. Misterhubs: You know what’s a perfect cure for insomnia? Sleeping on your boyfriend’s arm. The cuddling is better than a sleeping pill. =D Hehe.

    J: Haha! And you were laughing at work! When you didn’t even know what I was talking about then. =D But I really ❤ that blog.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: