I once teased Kuchi for being metrosexual while we were plucking our respective eyebrows. He defended himself and said that he just didn’t want a unibrow. I nodded knowingly, wearing the same expression I had when he told me, with no gay connotation or whatsoever, that he only trimmed (not shaved) his legs because he had to wear long socks everyday and it hurts when the hairs get caught.
For a rugby-playing, weight-lifting, non-pink-wearing tough guy like Kuchi, my calling him a metrosexual was worse than when I referred to his football buddies as his “boyfriends”.
Apparently, metrosexual is out and machosexual is in (again). Men can now go back to their caveman practices of growling, hitting each other affectionately (on the butt), and shaving sticks with their swiss knives to rub for fire.
But how do you explain the men in our office?
Case #1: A
At first glance, A might fool you into thinking that he’s a pretty basic, simple guy. But move closer and your eyes will water from the fumes. He’s easily the most scented person in the department and whether he’s dipped in Jeremy’s Burberry Brit or some sense-shocking perfume, A certainly takes his olfactory attractiveness very seriously.
Case #2: H
According to Ellie, H once held up a gun to her ex-husband’s head. And as that proves his intrinsic machoness, I can safely say without any delicate connotations that H is the Eve of all dieters. Some months ago, he started his South Beach diet because he was allegedly developing a paunch and he has, more or less, stuck to it ever since. He would sadly watch us gobble down our pizzas, doughnuts, and Mars bars while he quietly insists that he can only eat his low-calorie non-fat sandwich. You might convince him to pig out sometimes, if you’re lucky, but he will certainly tear off that cheezy stuffed crust and leave it in the pizza box.
Case #3: J
I thought I was the champion weight-whiner but this guy could beat me any day. He could dictate an essay of complaints about his supposed flabulousness and go into throes of repentance after eating a minuscule piece of candy. He went into a crash diet and lost
eight kilograms 13 kg (I stand corrected) in three weeks, a period when rabbit food (read: 5 lettuce leaves) was the only acceptable source of nutrition. He is currently binging on a box of Toffifee as I’m writing this–probably the effect of a month of hunger. Hmm… reminds me of myself during PMS and post-breakups. Oh, and he agrees with me that most men are jerks.
I wonder if I’ll still be alive if at least one of them reads this. =)
Case #4: Dr. D
Dr. D has spent the past ten months teasing me and pretending to steal, toss, and hit my exotic stuffed animals. He was especially infatuated with the little camel and once faced the koala’s butt towards a colleague. After much sighing and bearing of this post-toddler phase display, I finally gave up and handed the koala over. He would have saved a lot of time if he simply just told me that: “Stephanie, I am a secret fan of little, cuddly, and adorable stuffed animals so may I please have one?”